JENKINS: A message from your U.S. Department of Religion

Following the recent Supreme Court rulings, many Christians have expressed fear that they will be prohibited from practicing their religion by the United States government.

We wish to reassure you, that is not the case. The U.S. government is committed to the free exercise of religion, provided it does not promote hate speech or violate anyone’s right not to be offended. For the purposes of this document, “hate speech” is defined as any utterance that does not conform to the Executive Branch’s stated positions on issues of concern to the general public.

With regard to Christianity in particular, the Department of Religion’s position is that anyone who wishes to identify as Christian may do so freely and openly; however, they should not engage in speech or behavior that is emotionally injurious to non-Christians. Specifically, while we recognize the right of Christians to reference Jesus Christ, we ask that they no longer refer to him as deity, as this is offensive to many atheists, Muslims and liberals.

Christians are also, of course, free to read the Bible, although the DOR will soon be issuing a more tolerant, easier-to-read version which will replace the traditional versions of the Bible now commonly in use. This new version will include many parts of the New Testament, as well as select passages from the Old Testament.

Passages that proscribe specific behaviors such as pride, envy, greed and adultery have been removed to avoid offending members of Congress. Many Christians will no doubt be pleased to learn that there are now only three Commandments.

As an added bonus, the government-approved version of the Bible will include several speeches by President Barack Obama. In the interests of consistency, we ask that everyone also refrain from referring to President Obama as deity.

In addition, while we acknowledge the right of all Americans to follow their conscience on questions of morality, we insist that Christians discontinue use of the word “sin,” which henceforth will be known only as “the s-word.” In our view, the s-word is a form of hate speech, and anyone using it — especially to describe protected sexual behaviors — will be subject to prosecution.

Finally, to promote tolerance and diversity, we require that Christians no longer deny membership in their congregations to non-Christians. Insisting that someone profess faith in Jesus Christ in order to join a Christian church is an outdated and discriminatory practice. From now on, Christian churches must open their membership rolls and leadership positions to all. We feel confident that this will in no way affect the integrity of Christian organizations.

Christian churches that adhere to these guidelines will receive the U.S. Department of Religion’s Seal of Approval, allowing them to retain their tax-exempt status. Those not in compliance will have their tax-exempt status revoked, and their members will be placed on the Department of Defense’s Terrorist Watch List.

Thank you. That is all.

One Comment

  1. jonathana431

    what!! they are preparing for the anti-christ …who we will not meet because we know that we ill be raptured in Jesus name…but now that they have started we will defend our faith with all our heart and soul

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